爱华网But also I knew who was on the other end of those messages, thosecalls. A woman I’ve been seeing for many months, a woman I’ve spentmore time with than any other; a woman who loves me more than Ilove her.
Angered by these interruptions, after I had finished with JingjingI replied to tell her I had been with a woman. A testy exchangefollowed. In the following days our online conversations, which hadbeen close, became cool, strained.
I met her for lunch yesterday.
She told me how hurt she was.
So a week or ten days back while I’m in bed with Jingjing, I get abarrage of messages and then calls on my mobile, all of which Iperforce must ignore, as one cannot answer a call midmaking-love.
But also I knew who was on the other end of those messages, thosecalls. A woman I’ve been seeing for many months, a woman I’ve spentmore time with than any other; a woman who loves me more than Ilove her.
一星期或十天前我与JINGJING上床的时候，我收到了一大堆的短信和电话，当一个人正在做爱时是不可能接电话的，所以我不得不把这一切搁在一边。
然而我也知道是谁发来的短信和打来的电话。一个我花在她身上的时间比花在任何一个人都多并与她相处了好几个月的女人，当然她爱我多过我爱她。
Angered by these interruptions, after I had finished with JingjingI replied to tell her I had been with a woman. A testy exchangefollowed. In the following days our online conversations, which hadbeen close, became cool, strained.
I met her for lunch yesterday.
She told me how hurt she was.
She told me she’d read this blog. Unwisely, some months back I’dmentioned I’d begun writing it but had not given her the address,due to its frank content. Honorable woman that she is, she’d notsought it out, leaving me my anonymity. But, after that night,angry, she tracked it down (which she had a perfect right to do allalong) and read it, start to end.
Before this she had no idea of this part of my life. Yes, she hadsome suspicions, and indeed once told me ‘I am sure there have beenmany other women at the same time as me.’ But I deflected thequestion and she, fearing the answer, did not look any moreclosely.
我和JINGJING做完爱后，这些滋扰让我很生气，于是回复了个女人，告诉她我和另一个女人在一起。后来，我们的网聊被关闭了，我们的关系变得疏远而紧张。
我昨天和她一起吃午饭。
她告诉我她很伤心。
她告诉我她看了我的博客。几个月前，由于里面没内容，所以我很不明智地告诉她我开始写博客，但是并没告诉她网址。她是一个多么可敬的女人啊，因为她没有指出我，而是让我保持匿名。但是，自从那天晚上，生气的她追查到我的博客（她向来很有权利这样）并从头至尾阅读了。在这之前她并不知道我生活中的这些事。后来她起了疑心，有一次她对我说：“我肯定你与我一起的同时还有别的女人。”但是我答非所问，其实她也害怕听到答案，也不再亲近我了。
But now she has read this. How much it must have laceratedher!
I want to write about her more. But that is not really possible.Firstly, she asked me not to write about her, and so beyond this, Iwill not write.
Secondly, knowing she will read this, I cannot be objective.Whatever I write would be an appeal to her, an attempt to exculpatemyself, even though such exculpation is not really possible. Iwould like to try to explain my feelings for her, to write abouthow truly unique she is among all the thousands of people I havemet here. To say how with her I was more my real self than withanyone else. To talk of my admiration and respect for her.
她已经读了我的博客，这一定伤得她很深。我想多写一些关于她，但那真的不可能。第一，她要求我不要再写她，鉴于这个我将不会再写她。
第二，知道她会读我的博客，所以我必须听她的。我所写的都还将会吸引她，或会变成我为自己的辩解，就算这些辩解也不大可能有用。我会尝试向她解释我对她的感觉，告诉她，她是我在这里所遇见上千人中唯一最真实的；告诉她，和她在一起我比和别人一起更真我；告诉她，我对她的羡慕和尊敬。
But how can I do that without coming off, to her, as insincere,trite? How could she believe it, knowing I wrote it knowing shewould read it? How could she believe it after reading all thecrude, basic pages below?
So I feel pretty rotten. Guilty, to have hurt her so badly.Ashamed, even.
And is even that true, after all? If I really felt guilty surely Iwould begin to behave in a more socially acceptable way?
Unlikely.
Partly, the chase is just too much fun. Partly, I do not, deepdown, really view it as betrayal at all. Most of the women I’minvolved with are willing partners and, really, compared to thedepth of my relationship with this woman, all the philandering isjust surface trivia. And partly (and perhaps the biggest part) I amjust a selfish scumbag.
Hah, these matters with myself which I too much discuss.
然而我怎么能未经她同意而这样做呢？这样很老套，无诚意。她会相信吗？她愿意读吗？在她读过之前所有的笔记，她还会相信吗？
我觉得自己很无用很内疚甚至感到羞耻，因为我伤她那么深。
经过这一切那还会是真的吗？如果我真的内疚，我肯定会表现得更能让社会接受。
不太可能吧。
追逐是那么地有意思；再说，在我内心不再视其为背叛。大部分女人都是心甘情愿地和我一起，她们和我的关系程度与这个女人比起来，我与她们的调情都很表面。再者，（也许是最关键的）我只是一个自私的卑鄙小人。哈，这些问题我与自己讨论太多了。
