爱华网A helping ritual that I practice regularlywith my two children is picking up litter in oursurrounding area. We've become so accustomed todoing this that my daughters will often say to me in animatedvoices, "There's some litter, Daddy, stop the car!" And if we havetime, we will often pull over and pick it up. Itmay seem strange, but we actually enjoy it. Wepick up litter in parks, on sidewalks, practically
anywhere. Once I even sawa complete stranger picking up litter close to where welive.
He smiled at me and said, "I saw you doingit, and it seemed like a good idea."
Picking up litter is only one of an endlesssupply of possible helping rituals. You mightlike holding a door open for people, visiting lonely elderly peoplein nursing homes, or shoveling snow off someone else's driveway.Think of something that seems effortless yethelpful. It's fun, personally rewarding, and setsa good example. Everyone wins.
*****
46. Every Day, Tell atLeast One Person Something You Like, Admire, or
Appreciate about Them
How often do you remember (or take thetime), to tell people how much
you like, admire, or appreciate them?For many people, it's not often enough.In fact, when I ask people how often they receiveheartfelt compliments from others, I hear answers like "I can'tremember the last time I received a compliment,"
"Hardly ever," and, sadly, "I never receivethem."
There are several reasons why we don'tvocally let others know about our positive feelings toward them.I've heard excuses like, "They don't
need to hear me say that - they alreadyknow," and "I do admire her, but
I'm too embarrassed to sayanything."
But when you ask the would-be recipient ifhe or she enjoys being given genuine compliments and positivefeedback, the answer nine times out of ten is, "I love it." Whetheryour reason for not giving compliments on a regular basis is notknowing what to say, embarrassment, feeling that other peoplealready know their strengths and don't need to be told, or simplynot being in the habit of doing it, it's time for achange.
Telling someone something that you like, admire, orappreciate about them is a "random act of kindness." It takesalmost no effort (once you get used to it), yet it pays enormousdividends. Many people spend
their entire lifetimes wishing that otherpeople would acknowledge them. They feel this especially abouttheir parents, spouses, children, and friends.But even compliments from strangers feel good ifthey arc
genuine. Letting someone know how you feelabout them also feels good to the person offering the compliment.It's a gesture of lovingkindness.
It means that your thoughts are gearedtoward what's right with someone. And when your thoughts are gearedin a positive direction, your feelings are peaceful.
The other day I was in the grocery storeand witnessed an incredible display of patience.The checkout clerk had just been chewed out by anangry customer, clearly without good cause. Rather than beingreactive, the clerk defused the anger by remaining calm.When it was my turn to pay for my groceries Isaid to her, "I'm so impressed at the way you handled thatcustomer." She looked me right in the eye and said, "Thank you,sir. Do you know you are the first person ever togive me a compliment in this store?" It took less than two secondsto let her
know, yet it was a highlight of her day,and of mine.
*****
47. Argue for YourLimitations, and They're Yours
Many people spend a great deal of energyarguing for their own limitations; "I can't do that,"
"I can't help it, I've always been thatway,"
"I'll never have a loving relationship,"and thousands of other negative and self-defeatingstatements.
Our minds are powerful instruments.When we decide that something is true or beyondour reach, it's very difficult to pierce through this
self-created hurdle. Whenwe argue for our position, it's nearly impossible.Suppose, for example, you tell yourself, "I can'twrite." You'll look for examples to prove your position.You'll remember your poor essays in high school,or recall how awkward you felt the last time you sat down to writea letter. You'll fill your head withlimitations
that will frighten you from trying.In order to become a writer or anything else, thefirst step is to silence your greatest critic - you.
I had a client who told me, "I'll neverhave a good relationship. I
always screw them up." Sure enough, she wasright. Whenever she met someone, she would,without even knowing it, look for reasons for her new partner toleave her. If she were late for a date, she wouldtell
him, "I'm always late." If they had adisagreement, she would say, "I'm
always getting into arguments." Sooner orlater, she would convince him that she wasn't worthy of his love.Then she would say to herself,
"See, it happens every time.I'll never have a goodrelationship."
She had to learn to stop expecting thingsto go wrong. She needed to "catch herself" in theact of arguing for her own limitations. When shestarted to say, "I always do that," she needed instead to say,"That's ridiculous. I don't always do anything."She had to see that arguing for her limitations was just a negativehabit that could easily be replaced with a more positive habit.Today, she's doing much better. When she revertsto her old habit, she usually laughs at herself.
I have learned that when I argue for my ownlimitations, very seldom do
I disappoint myself. Isuspect the same is true for you.
*****
48. Remember thatEverything Has God's Fingerprints on It
Rabbi Harold Kushner reminds us thateverything that God has created is potentially holy.Our task as humans is to find that holiness inwhat appear to be unholy situations. He suggeststhat when we can learn to
do this, we will have learned to nurtureour souls. It's easy to see
God's beauty in a beautiful sunrise, asnow-capped mountain, the smile of a healthy child, or in oceanwaves crashing on a sandy beach. But can we learnto find the holiness in seemingly ugly circumstances-difficult life lessons, a family tragedy, or astruggle for life?
When our life is filled with the desire tosee the holiness in everyday things, something magical begins tohappen. A feeling of peace emerges. We begin tosee nurturing aspects of daily living that were previously hiddento us. When we remember that everything has God'sfingerprints on it, that alone makes it special.If we remember this spiritual fact
while we are dealing with a difficultperson or struggling to pay our
bills, it broadens our perspective.It helps us to remember that God also created theperson you are dealing with or that, despite your struggle to payyour bills, you are truly blessed to have all that youdo.
Somewhere, in the back of your mind, try toremember that everything has
God's fingerprints on it.The fact that we can't see the beauty insomething doesn't suggest that it's not there. Rather, it suggeststhat we are not looking carefully enough or with abroad enough perspective to see it.
*****
49. Resist the Urge toCriticize
When we judge or criticize another person,it says nothing about that person; it merely says something aboutour own need to be critical.
If you attend a gathering and listen to allthe criticism that is
typically levied against others, and thengo home and consider how much good all that criticism actually doesto make our world a better place, you'll probably come up with thesame answer that I do: Zero! It does
no good. But that's notall. Being critical not only solves nothing; it contributes to theanger and distrust in our world. After all, noneof us likes to be criticized. Our reaction tocriticism is usually to
become defensive and/or withdrawn. Aperson who feels attacked is likely to do one of two things: hewill either retreat in fear or shame, or he will attack or lash outin anger. How many times have you
criticized someone and had them respond bysaying, "Thank you so much
for pointing out my flaws.I really appreciate it"?
Criticism, like swearing, is actuallynothing more than a bad habit. It's something we get used to doing;we're familiar with how it feels. It keeps us busy and gives ussomething to talk about.
If, however, you take a moment to observehow you actually feel immediately after you criticize someone,you'll notice that you will feel a little deflated and ashamed,almost like you're the one who has been attacked.The reason this is true is that when wecriticize, it's
a statement to the world and to ourselves,"I have a need to be critical." This isn't something we are usuallyproud to admit.
The solution is to catch yourself in theact of being critical. Notice
how often you do it and how bad it makesyou feel. What I like to do is turn it into agame. I still catch myself being critical, but asmy
need to criticize arises, I try to rememberto say to myself, "There I
go again." Hopefully, more often than not,I can turn my criticism into tolerance and respect.
*****
50. Write Down Your FiveMost Stubborn Positions and See if You Can
Soften Them
The first time I tried this strategy, I wasso stubborn that I insisted
that I wasn't stubborn!Over time, as I have worked toward becoming agentler person, I have found it far easier to see where I'm beingstubborn.
Here are a few examples from my clients:"People who aren't stressed are lazy."
"My way is the only way." "Men aren't goodlisteners." "Women spend too much money." "Children are too muchwork."
"People in business don't care aboutanything except money." You can see
that the list itself is potentiallyendless. The point here isn't the specifics of what you arestubborn about but rather the fact that you hold on so tightly toany given idea you might have.
It doesn't make you weak to soften yourpositions. In fact, it makes you stronger.I have a male client who was adamant, to thepoint of being obnoxious about it, that his wife spent too muchmoney. As he relaxed a little, and noticed hisown rigidity, he discovered something that he's now a littleembarrassed about, but laughs at. He found outthat, in reality, he spent more discretionary money on himself thanhis wife spent on herself! His objectivity hadbecome muddled by his own rigid belief.
As he has become wiser and gentler, hismarriage has improved immensely. Rather than resenting his wife forsomething she wasn't even doing, he nowappreciates her restraint. She, in turn, feelshis new acceptance and appreciation and loves him more thanbefore.
*****
51. Just for Fun, Agreewith Criticism Directed Toward You (Then Watch
It Go Away)
So often we are immobilized by theslightest criticism. We treat it like anemergency, and defend ourselves as if we were in a battle.In truth, however, criticism is nothing more thanan observation by another person about us, our actions, or the waywe think about something, that doesn't match the vision we have ofourselves. Big deal!
When we react to criticism with aknee-jerk, defensive response, it hurts. We feelattacked, and we have a need to defend or to offer acounter-criticism. We fill our minds with angryor hurtful thoughts directed at ourselves or at the person who isbeing critical. All this reaction takes anenormous amount of mental energy.
An incredibly useful exercise is to agreewith criticism directed toward you. I'm nottalking about turning into a doormat or ruining your
self-esteem by believing all negativitythat comes in your direction.
I'm only suggesting that there are manytimes when simply agreeing with criticism defuses the situation,satisfies a person's need to express a
point of view, offers you a chance to learnsomething about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in anotherposition, and, perhaps most important, provides you an opportunityto remain calm.
One of the first times I consciously agreedwith criticism directed
toward me was many years ago when my wifesaid to me, "Sometimes you talk too much." I remember feelingmomentarily hurt before deciding to agree. Iresponded by saying, "You're right, I do talk too much
sometimes." I discovered something thatchanged my life. In agreeing with her, I was ableto see that she had a good point. I often dotalk
too much! What's more, mynondefensive reaction helped her to relax. A fewminutes later she said, "You know, you're sure easy to talk to." Idoubt she would have said that had I become angry at herobservation. I've since learned that reacting to criticism nevermakes the criticism go away. Infact, negative reactions to criticism often convince theperson doing the criticizing that they are accurate intheir assessment of you.
Give this strategy a try.I think you'll discover that agreeing with anoccasional criticism has more value than it costs.
*****
52. Search for the Grainof Truth in Other Opinions
If you enjoy learning as well as makingother people happy, you'll love this idea.
Almost everyone feels that their ownopinions are good ones, otherwise they wouldn't be sharing themwith you. One of the destructive things that manyof us do, however, is compare someone else's opinion to our own.And, when it doesn't fall in line with ourbelief, we either
dismiss it or find fault withit.
We feel smug, the other person feelsdiminished, and we learn nothing. Almost every opinion has somemerit, especially if we are looking for
merit, rather than looking for errors.The next time someone offers you
an opinion, rather than judge or criticizeit, see if you can find a grain of truth in what the person issaying.
If you think about it, when you judge someone else ortheir opinion, it really doesn't say anything about the otherperson, but it says quite a bit about your need to bejudgmental.
I still catch myself criticizing otherpoints of view, but far less than
I used to. All thatchanged was my intention to find the grain of truth in otherpositions. If you practice this simple strategy,some
wonderful things will begin to happen:You'll begin to understand those
you interact with, others will be drawn toyour accepting and loving energy, your learning curve will beenhanced, and, perhaps most important, you'll feel much betterabout yourself.
*****
53. See the Glass asAlready Broken (and Everything Else Too)
This is a Buddhist teaching that I learnedover twenty years ago. It has provided me, againand again, with greatly needed perspective to guide me toward mygoal of a more accepting self.
The essence of this teaching is that all oflife is in a constant state
of change. Everything hasa beginning and everything has an end. Every treebegins with a seed and will eventually transform back into earth.Every rock is formed and every rock will vanish.In our modern world, this means that every car,every machine, every piece of clothing is
created and all will wear out and crumble;it's only a matter of when.
Our bodies are born and they will die.A glass is, created and will eventuallybreak.
There is peace to be found in thisteaching. When you expect something to break,you're not surprised or disappointed when it does.Instead of becoming immobilized when something isdestroyed, you feel grateful for the time you havehad.
The easiest place to start is with thesimple things, a glass of water,
for example. Pull outyour favorite drinking glass. Take a moment tolook at and appreciate its beauty and all it does for you.Now, imagine that same glass as already broken,shattered all over the floor. Try to maintain theperspective that, in time, everything disintegrates and returns toits initial form.
Obviously, no one wants their favoritedrinking glass, or anything else, to be broken.This philosophy is not a prescription forbecoming
passive or apathetic, but for making peacewith the way things are. When
your drinking glass does break, thisphilosophy allows you to maintain your perspective. Rather thanthinking, "Oh my God," you'll find yourself thinking, "Ah, there itgoes." Play with this awareness and you'll find yourself not onlykeeping your cool but appreciating life as neverbefore.
*****
54. Understand theStatement, "Wherever You Go, There You Are" This is the title of asuper book by Jon Kabat-Zinn. As thetitle
suggests, wherever you go, you takeyourself with you! The significance of thisstatement is that it can teach you to stop constantlywishing
you were somewhere else.We tend to believe that if we were somewhere else- on vacation, with another partner, in a different career,a
different home, a different circumstance -somehow we would be happier
and more content. Wewouldn't!
The truth is, if you have destructivemental habits - if you get annoyed and bothered easily, if you feelangry and frustrated a great deal of the time, or if you'reconstantly wishing things were different, these
identical tendencies will follow you,wherever you go. And the reverse
is also true. If you area generally happy person who rarely gets
annoyed and bothered, then you can movefrom place to place, from person to person, with very littlenegative impact.
Someone once asked me, "What are the peoplelike in California?" I asked him, "What are the people like in yourhome state?" He replied, "Selfish and greedy." I told him that hewould probably find the people in California to be selfish andgreedy.
Something wonderful begins to happen withthe simple realization that life, like an automobile, is drivenfrom the inside out, not the other
way around. As you focusmore on becoming more peaceful with where you
are, rather than focusing on where youwould rather be, you begin to find peace right now, in the present.Then, as you move around, try new things, andmeet new people, you carry that sense of inner peace with you. It'sabsolutely true that "Wherever you go, there you are."
*****
55. Breathe Before YouSpeak
This simple strategy has had remarkableresults for virtually everyone I know who has tried it.The almost immediate results include increasedpatience, added perspective, and, as a side benefit, more gratitudeand respect from others.
The strategy itself is remarkably simple.It involves nothing more than pausing - breathing- after the person to whom you are speaking is finished.At first, the time gap between your voices mayseem like an eternity - but in reality, it amounts to only afraction of a second of actual time. You will getused to the power and beauty of breathing, and you will come toappreciate it as well. It will bring youcloser
to, and earn you more respect from,virtually everyone you come in
contact with. You'll findthat being listened to is one of the rarest and most treasuredgifts you can offer. All it takes is intentionand practice.
If you observe the conversations around you, you'llnotice that, often, what many of us do is simply wait for ourchance to speak. We're not really listening tothe other person, but simply waiting for an opening
to express our own view.We often complete other people's sentences,or
say things like, "Yeah, yeah," or "I know,"very rapidly, urging them to hurry up so that we can have our turn.It seems that talking to one another is sometimesmore like sparring back and forth like fighters or Ping-Pong ballsthan it is enjoying or learning from the conversation.
This harried form of communicationencourages us to criticize points of view, overreact, misinterpretmeaning, impute false motives, and form opinions, all before ourfellow communicator is even finished speaking. No wonder we are sooften annoyed, bothered, and irritated with one another. Sometimes,with our poor listening skills, it's a miracle that
we have any friends at all!
I spent most of my life waiting for my turnto speak. If you're at all like me, you'll bepleasantly amazed at the softer reactions and looks of surprise asyou let others completely finish their thought beforeyou
begin yours. Often, youwill be allowing someone to feel listened to for the very firsttime. You will sense a feeling of relief comingfrom
the person to whom you are speaking - and amuch calmer, less rushed
feeling between the two of you.No need to worry that you won't get your turn tospeak - you will. In fact, it will be morerewarding to speak because the person you are speaking to will pickup on your respect and patience and will begin to do thesame.
*****
56. Be Grateful whenYou're Feeling Good and Graceful when You're
Feeling Bad
The happiest person on earth isn't alwayshappy. In fact, the happiest people all havetheir fair share of low moods, problems, disappointments, andheartache. Often the difference between aperson
who is happy and someone who is unhappyisn't how often they get low, or even how low they drop, butinstead, it's what they do with their low moods.How do they relate to their changingfeelings?
Most people have it backward.When they are feeling down, they roll up theirsleeves and get to work. They take their lowmoods very seriously and try to figure out and analyze what'swrong. They try to force themselves out of theirlow state, which tends to compound the problem rather than solveit.
When you observe peaceful, relaxed people,you find that when they are feeling good, they are very grateful.They understand that both
positive and negative feelings come and go,and that there will come a
time when they won't be feeling so good.To happy people, this is okay, it's the way ofthings. They accept the inevitability of passing
feelings. So, when theyare feeling depressed, angry, or stressed out,
they relate to these feelings with the sameopenness and wisdom. Rather than fight theirfeelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accepttheir feelings, knowing that this too shall pass.Rather
than stumbling and fighting against theirnegative feelings, they are graceful in their acceptance of them.This allows them to come gently and gracefullyout of negative feeling states into more positive states of mind.One of the happiest people I know is someone whoalso gets quite low from time to time. Thedifference, it seems, is that he has
become comfortable with his low moods.It's almost as though he doesn't really carebecause he knows that, in due time, he will be happyagain.
To him, it's no big deal.
The next time you're feeling bad, ratherthan fight it, try to relax.
See if, instead of panicking, you can begraceful and calm. Know that if you don't fightyour negative feelings, if you are graceful, they
will pass away just as surely as the sunsets in the evening.
*****
57. Become a LessAggressive Driver
Where do you get the most uptight?If you're like most people, driving in traffic isprobably high on your list. To look at mostmajor
freeways these days, you'd think you wereon a racetrack instead of a roadway.
There are three excellent reasons forbecoming a less aggressive driver. First, when you are aggressive,you put yourself and everyone around you in extreme danger.Second, driving aggressively is extremelystressful. Your blood pressure goes up, your grip on the wheeltightens, your eyes
are strained, and your thoughts arespinning out of control. Finally,
you end up saving no time in getting towhere you want to go. Recently I was driving south from Oakland toSan Jose.
Traffic was heavy, but moving. Inoticed an extremely aggressive and angry driver weaving in and outof the lanes, speeding up and slowing down.Clearly, he was in a hurry. Forthe most part I remained in the same lane for the entire forty-milejourney. I was listening to a new
audiotape I had just purchased anddaydreaming along the way. I enjoyed the trip agreat deal because driving gives me a chance to be alone.As
I was exiting off the freeway, theaggressive driver came up behind me
and raced on by.
Without realizing it, I had actuallyarrived in San Jose ahead of him. All of his weaving, rapidacceleration, and putting families at risk had earned him nothingexcept perhaps some high blood pressure and a great deal of wearand tear on his vehicle. On average, he and I had driven at thesame speed.
The same principle applies when you seedrivers speeding past you so that they can beat you to the nextstoplight. It simply doesn't pay to speed.This is especially true if you get a ticket andhave to spend eight hours in traffic school. Itwill take you years of dangerous speeding to make up this timealone.
When you make the conscious decision tobecome a less aggressive driver, you begin using your time in thecar to relax.
Try to see your driving not only as a wayof getting you somewhere, but as a chance to breathe and toreflect. Rather than tensing your
muscles, see if you can relax them instead.I even have a few
audiotapes that are specifically gearedtoward muscular relaxation. Sometimes I pop one in and listen.By the time I reach my destination I feel morerelaxed than I did before getting into the car.During the course of your lifetime, you'reprobably going to spend a great deal of time driving.You can spend those moments being frustrated, oryou can use them wisely.
If you do the latter, you'll be a morerelaxed person.
*****
58. Relax
What does it mean to relax?Despite hearing this term thousands of timesduring the course of our lives, very few people have deeplyconsidered what it's really about.
When you ask people (which I have done manytimes) what it means to relax, most will answer in a way thatsuggests that relaxing is something you plan to do later - you doit on vacation, in a hammock, when you retire, or when you geteverything done. This implies, of course, thatmost other times (the other 95 percent of your life) should bespent nervous, agitated, rushed, and frenzied.Very few actually come out and say so, but thisis the obvious implication. Could this explainwhy so many of us operate as if life were one great big emergency?Most of us postpone relaxation until our "inbasket" is empty. Of course it neveris.
It's useful to think of relaxation as aquality of heart that you can
access on a regular basis rather thansomething reserved for some later time. You canrelax now. It's helpful to remember that relaxedpeople can still be superachievers and, in fact, that relaxationand creativity
go hand in hand. When I'mfeeling uptight, for example, I don't even try to write.But when I feel relaxed, my writing flows quicklyand easily.
Being more relaxed involves trainingyourself to respond differently to the dramas of life-turning yourmelodrama into a mellow-drama. It comes, in part,from reminding yourself over and over again (with loving kindnessand patience) that you have a choice in how you respondto
life. You can learn torelate to your thinking as well as your circumstances in new ways.With practice, making these choices willtranslate into a more relaxed self.
*****
59. Adopt a Child Throughthe Mail
While I don't want to turn this book intoan advertisement for service agencies, I do have to say that myexperience of adopting children through the mail has been extremelypositive.
No, you don't actually adopt a child, but you do get tohelp one out while, at the same time, getting to know them.The experience has brought tremendous joy andsatisfaction to my entire family. My
six-year-old daughter has an adoptee, andhas enjoyed and learned from the experience a great deal.My daughter and her pal regularly write to eachother, and draw pictures that we hang up. Theyenjoy hearing about each other's lives.
Each month you contribute a very smallamount of money to the agency in charge of helping the children.The money is used to help thechildren
and their parents with the necessities oflife, which makes sending the
children to school and caring for theirneeds a little easier.
I think that the reason we enjoy this typeof giving so much is that
it's interactive. Sooften, when you give to a charity, you have no way of knowing whoyou are helping. In this instance, you not onlyget to know who, but you have the privilege of getting to know themas well. Also, the regularity of the ongoing relationship remindsyou how fortunate you are to be in a position to help.For me and for many people that I know, this typeof giving brings forth feelings of
gratitude. There are many fine agencies tochoose from, but my personal favorite is Children, Inc., out ofRichmond, Virginia, (800) 538-5381.
*****
60. Turn Your Melodramainto a Mellow-Drama
In a certain respect, this strategy is justanother way of saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Many peoplelive as if life were a melodrama - "an extravagantly theatricalplay in which action and plot predominate." Sound familiar?In dramatic fashion, we blow things out ofproportion, and make a big deal out of little things.We forget that
life isn't as bad as we're making it out tobe. We also forget that
when we're blowing things out ofproportion, we are the ones doing the blowing.
I've found that simply reminding myselfthat life doesn't have to be a
soap opera is a powerful method of calmingdown. When I get too worked up or start taking myself too seriously(which happens more than I like
to admit), I say to myself something like,"Here I go again. My soap
opera is starting."
Almost always, this takes the edge off myseriousness and helps me laugh at myself. Often,this simple reminder enables me to change the channel to a morepeaceful station. My melodrama is transformedinto a
"mellow-drama."
If you've ever watched a soap opera, you'veseen how the characters will take little things so seriously as toruin their lives over them -
someone says something to offend them,looks at them wrong, or flirts
with their spouse. Theirresponse is usually, "Oh my gosh. How could thishappen to me?" Then they exacerbate the problem by talking toothers about "how awful it is." They turn life into an emergency -a melodrama.
The next time you feet stressed out,experiment with this strategy - remind yourself that life isn't anemergency and turn your melodrama into a mellow-drama.
61. Read Articles andBooks with Entirely Different Points of View from
Your Own and Try to LearnSomething
Have you ever noticed that practicallyeverything you read justifies and reinforces your own opinions andviews on life? The same is true with our radioand television listening and viewing choices as well.In
fact, on America's most popular radio talkshow, callers often identify
themselves as "ditto heads," meaning "Ialready agree with everything you say. Tell memore."
Liberals, conservatives - we're all thesame. We form opinions and then spend our entirelifetimes validating what we believe to be true.This rigidity is sad, because there is so much wecan learn from points of view that are different from our own.It's also sad because the stubbornness it takesto keep our heart and mind closed to everything other than our ownpoint of view creates a great deal of inner stress. A closed mindis always fighting to keep everything else at arm'slength.
We forget that we're all equally convincedthat our way of looking at the world is the only correct way.We forget that two people who disagree with oneanother can often use the identical examples to prove their ownpoint of view - and both sides can be articulate andconvincing.
Knowing this, we can either buckle down andget even more stubborn - or we can lighten up and try to learnsomething new!
For just a few minutes a day - whateveryour slant on life - try making a gentle effort to read articlesand/or books with different points of view. Youdon't need to change your core beliefs or your deepestheld
positions. All you'redoing is expanding your mind and opening your heart to new ideas.This new openness will reduce the stress it takesto keep other points of view away. In addition tobeing very interesting, this practice helps you see the innocencein others as well as helping you become more patient.You'll become a more relaxed, philosophic person,because you'll begin to sense the logic in other points of view.My wife and I subscribe to both the mostconservative as well as the most liberal newsletters in America.I'd say that both have broadened our perspective onlife.
*****
62. Do One Thing at aTime
The other day I was driving on the freewayand noticed a man who, while driving in the fast lane, was shaving,drinking a cup of coffee, and
reading the newspaper!"Perfect," I thought to myself, as just thatmorning I was trying to think of an appropriate example to pointout the craziness of our frenzied society.
How often do we try to do more than onething at once? We have cordless phones that aresupposed to make our lives easier, but in some respects, they makeour lives more confusing. My wife and I were at afriend's home for dinner a while ago and noticed her talking on thephone while
simultaneously answering the door, checkingon dinner, and changing her daughter's diaper (after she washed herhands, of course)! Many of us have the sametendency when we're speaking to someone and our mind is somewhereelse, or when we're doing three or four chores all at the sametime.
When you do too many things at once, it'simpossible to be
present-moment oriented.Thus, you not only lose out on much of thepotential enjoyment of what you are doing, but you also become farless focused and effective.
An interesting exercise is to block outperiods of time where you commit to doing only one thing at a time.Whether you're washing dishes, talking on thephone, driving a car, playing with your child, talking to yourspouse, or reading a magazine, try to focus only on that one thing.Be present in what you are doing. Concentrate.You'll notice two
things beginning to happen.First, you'll actually enjoy what you are doing,even something mundane like washing dishes or cleaning out acloset. When you're focused, rather thandistracted, it enables you to become absorbed and interested inyour activity, whatever it might be. Second, you'll be amazed athow quickly and efficiently you'll get
things done. Since I'vebecome more present-moment oriented, my skills have increased invirtually all areas of my life - writing, reading,
cleaning house, and speaking on the phone.You can do the same thing. It all starts withyour decision to do one thing at a time.
*****
63. Count toTen
When I was growing up my father used tocount out loud to ten when he was angry with my sisters and me.It was a strategy he, and many other parents,used to cool down before deciding what to do next.
I've improved this strategy byincorporating the use of the breath. All you haveto do is this: When you feel yourself getting angry, take a long,deep inhalation, and as you do, say the number one to yourself.Then, relax your entire body as you breathe out.Repeat the same process with the number two, allthe way through at least ten (if you're really angry, continue totwenty-five). What you are doing here isclearing, your mind with a mini version of a meditation exercise.The combination of counting and breathing is sorelaxing that it's almost
impossible to remain angry once you arefinished. The increased oxygen
in your lungs and the time gap between themoment you became angry and the time you finish the exerciseenables you to increase your
perspective. It helpsmake "big stuff" look like "little stuff."
The exercise is equally effective inworking with stress or frustration. Whenever you feel a little off,give it a try.
The truth is, this exercise is a wonderfulway to spend a minute or two whether or not you're angry.I've incorporated this strategy into my dailylife simply because it's relaxing and I enjoy it.Often, it helps
me to keep from getting angry in the firstplace.
*****
64. Practice Being in the"Eye of the Storm"
The eye of the storm is that one specificspot in the center of a twister, hurricane, or tornado that iscalm, almost isolated from the frenzy of activity.Everything around the center is violent andturbulent, but the center remains peaceful. Hownice it would be if we too could be calm and serene in the midst ofchaos - in the eye of the storm.
Surprisingly enough, it's much easier thatyou might imagine to be in the eye of a "human storm." What ittakes is intention and practice. Suppose, for example, that you aregoing to a family gathering that is going to be chaotic.You can tell yourself that you are going touse
the experience as an opportunity to remaincalm. You can commit to being the one person inthe room who is going to be an example of peace. You can practicebreathing. You can practice listening.You can let others be right and enjoy the glory.The point is, you can do it if you
set your mind to it.
By starting out with harmless scenarioslike family gatherings, cocktail parties, and birthday parties forchildren, you can build a track record and enjoy some success.You'll notice that by being in the eye of thestorm, you will be more present-moment oriented.You'll enjoy yourself more than ever before.Once you have mastered harmless circumstanceslike these, you can practice on more difficult areas of life -dealing
with conflict, hardship, or grief.If you start slowly, have some
success, and keep practicing, pretty soonyou'll know how to live in the eye of the storm.
*****
65. Be Flexible withChanges in Your Plans
Once I get something in my mind (a plan),it can be tricky to let go of it and go with the flow.I was taught, and to some degree it's certainlytrue, that success, or successfully completing aproject,
requires perseverance. Atthe same time, however, inflexibility creates
an enormous amount of inner stress and isoften irritating and insensitive to other people.
I like to do the majority of my writing inthe wee hours of the morning. I might have the goal, in this bookfor example, to complete one or two strategies before anyone elsein the house wakes up. But what happens if myfour-year-old wakes up early and walks upstairs to see me?My plans have certainly been altered, but how doI react? Or, I might have the goal to go out fora run before going to the office. Whathappens
if I get an emergency call from the officeand have to skip my run?
There are countless potential examples forall of us - times when our plans suddenly change, something wethought was going to take place doesn't, someone doesn't do whatthey said they would do, you make less money than you thought youwould, someone changes your plans without your consent, you haveless time than previously planned, something unexpected comes up -and on and on it goes. The question toask
yourself is, What's reallyimportant?
We often use the excuse that it's naturalto be frustrated when our plans change. Thatdepends, however, on what your priorities are. Isit more important to stick to some rigid writing schedule or to beavailable to my four-year,old? Is missing athirty-minute run worth
getting upset over? Themore general question is, "What's more important, getting what Iwant and keeping my plans, or learning to go with the flow?"Clearly, to become a more peaceful person, you must prioritizebeing flexible over rigidity most of the time(obviously
there will be exceptions).I've also found it helpful to expect thata
certain percentage of plans will change.If I make allowances in my mind for thisinevitability, then when it happens I can say, "Here is one ofthose inevitabilities."
You'll find that if you create the goal tobecome more flexible, some wonderful things will begin to happen:You'll feel more relaxed, yet you won't sacrifice any productivity.You may even become more productive because youwon't need to expend so much energy being upset and worried. I'velearned to trust that I will keep my deadlines, achieve most ofmy
goals, and honor my responsibilitiesdespite the fact that I may have to alter my plans slightly (oreven completely). Finally, thepeople
around you will be more relaxed too.They won't feel like they have to walk around oneggshells if, by some chance, your plans have tochange.
*****
66. Think of What YouHave Instead of What You Want
In over a dozen years as a stressconsultant, one of the most pervasive and destructive mentaltendencies I've seen is that of focusing on what
we want instead of what we have.It doesn't seem to make any difference how muchwe have; we just keep expanding our list of desires, whichguarantees we will remain dissatisfied. Themind-set that says "I'll be happy when this desire is fulfilled" isthe same mind-set that will
repeat itself once that desire ismet.
A friend of ours closed escrow on his newhome on a Sunday.
The very next time we saw him he wastalking about his next house that was going to be even bigger!He isn't alone. Most of us dothe very
same thing. We want thisor that. If we don't get what we want we keepthinking about all that we don't have - and we remain dissatisfied.If
we do get what we want, we simply recreatethe same thinking in our new circumstances. So,despite getting what we want, we still remain
unhappy. Happiness can'tbe found when we are yearning for new desires.
Luckily, there is a way to be happy.It involves changing the emphasis
of our thinking from what we want to whatwe have. Rather than wishing your spouse were different, trythinking about her wonderful qualities. Instead of complainingabout your salary, be grateful that you have a
job. Rather than wishingyou were able to take a vacation to Hawaii, think of how much funyou have had close to home. The listof
possibilities is endless!
Each time you notice yourself falling intothe "I wish life were different" trap, back off and start over.Take a breath and remember all that you have tobe grateful for. When you focus not on whatyou
want, but on what you have, you end upgetting more of what you want anyway. If youfocus on the good qualities of your spouse, she'll be
more loving. If you aregrateful for your job rather than complaining
about it, you'll do a better job, be moreproductive, and probably end up getting a raise anyway.If you focus on ways to enjoy yourself aroundhome rather than waiting to enjoy yourself in Hawaii, you'll end uphaving more fun. If you ever do get to Hawaii,you'll be in the
habit of enjoying yourself.And, if by some chance you don't,you'll
have a great life anyway.
Make a note to yourself to start thinkingmore about what you have than what you want. Ifyou do, your life will start appearing much better
than before. For perhapsthe first time in your life, you'll know what it means to feelsatisfied.
*****
67. Practice IgnoringYour Negative Thoughts
It has been estimated that the averagehuman being has around 50,000 thoughts per day.That's a lot of thoughts. Someof these thoughts are going to be positive and productive.Unfortunately, however, many of them are also going to be negative- angry, fearful, pessimistic, worrisome. Indeed,the important question in terms of becoming more peaceful isn'twhether or not you're going to have negative thoughts - you areit's what you choose to do with the ones that youhave.
In a practical sense, you really have onlytwo options when it comes to dealing with negative thoughts.You can analyze your thoughts - ponder, thinkthrough, study, think some more - or you can learn to ignorethem
- dismiss, pay less attention to, not takeso seriously. This later option, learning to takeyour negative thoughts less seriously, is infinitely more effectivein terms of learning to be more peaceful.
When you have a thought - any thought -that's all it is, a thought! It can't hurt youwithout your consent. For example, if you have athought from your past, "I'm upset because my parents didn't do avery good job," you can get into it, as many do which will createinner turmoil
for you. You can give thethought significance in your mind, and you'll convince yourselfthat you should indeed be unhappy. Or, you canrecognize that your mind is about to create a mental snowball, andyou can choose to dismiss the thought. Thisdoesn't mean your childhood
wasn't difficult - it may very well havebeen - but in this present moment, you have a choice of whichthoughts to pay attention to.
The same mental dynamic applies to thoughtsof this morning, even five minutes ago. Anargument that happened while you were walking out the door on yourway to work is no longer an actual argument, it's a thought in yourmind. This dynamic also applies tofuture-oriented thoughts of
this evening, next week, or ten years downthe road. You'll find, in
all cases, that if you ignore or dismiss anegative thought that fills your mind, a more peaceful feeling isonly a moment away. And, in a more peaceful stateof mind, your wisdom and common sense will tell you what to do.This strategy takes practice but is well worththe effort.
*****
68. Be Willing to Learnfrom Friends and Family
One of the saddest observations I've madecenters around how reluctant many of us are to learn from thepeople closest to us our parents) spouses, children, and friends.Rather than being open to learning, we closeourselves off out of embarrassment, fear, stubbornness, or pride.It's almost as if we say to ourselves, "I have already learned allthat
I can [or want to learn] from this person;there is nothing else I can
[or need to] learn.
It's sad, because often the people closestto us know us the best. They are sometimes ableto see ways in which we are acting in a
self-defeating manner and can offer verysimple solutions.
If we are too proud, or stubborn to learn,we lose out on some wonderful, simple ways to improve ourlives.
I have tried to remain open to thesuggestions of my friends and family. In fact, I have gone so faras to ask certain members of my family and a few of my friends,"What are some of my blind spots?" Not only does this make theperson you are asking feel wanted and special, but you end upgetting some terrific advice. It's such a simpleshortcut for growth,
yet almost no one uses it.All it takes is a little courage and
humility, and the ability to let go of yourego. This is especially true if you are in thehabit of ignoring suggestions, taking them as criticism, or tuningout certain members of your family. Imagine howshocked they will be when you ask them, sincerely, for theiradvice.
Pick something that you feel the personwhom you are asking is qualified to answer. Forexample, I often ask my father for advice on business. Even if hehappens to give me a bit of a lecture, it's well worthit.
The advice he gives usually prevents mefrom having to learn something
the hard way.
*****
69. Be Happy Where YouAre
Sadly, many of us continually postpone ourhappiness indefinitely. It's not that weconsciously set out to do so, but that we keep convincingourselves, "Someday I'll be happy." We tell ourselves we'll behappy when our bills are paid, when we get out of school, get ourfirst job, a promotion. We convince ourselvesthat life will be better after we get married, have a baby, thenanother. Then we are frustrated that the kidsaren't old enough - we'll be more content when they are.After that, we're frustrated that we haveteenagers to deal with. We will certainly behappy when they are out of that stage. We tellourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets hisor her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on anice vacation, when we retire. And on and on andon!
Meanwhile, life keeps moving forward.The truth is, there's no better time to be happythan right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled withchallenges. It's best to admit
this to yourself and decide to be happyanyway. One of my favorite quotes comes fromAlfred D' Souza. He said, "For a long time it hadseemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.But there was always some obstacle in the way,something to be got through first, some unfinished business, timestill to be served, a debt to be paid.Then
life would begin. At lastit dawned on me that these obstacles were my
life." This perspective has helped me tosee that there is no way to happiness. Happinessis the way.
70. Remember that YouBecome What You Practice Most
Repeated practice is one of the most basicprinciples of most spiritual and meditative paths.In other words, whatever you practice most iswhat you will become. If you are in the habit ofbeing uptight whenever life isn't quite right, repeatedly reactingto criticism by defending yourself, insisting on being right,allowing your thinking to snowball
in response to adversity, or acting likelife is an emergency, then,
unfortunately, your life will be areflection of this type of practice. You will be frustratedbecause, in a sense, you have practiced beingfrustrated.
Likewise, however, you can choose to bringforth in yourself qualities
of compassion, patience, kindness,humility, and peace - again, through what you practice.I guess it's safe to say that practicemakes
perfect. It makes sense,then, to be careful what you practice.
This isn't to suggest that you make yourentire life into a great big project where the goal is to beconstantly improving yourself. Only
that it's immensely helpful to becomeconscious of your own habits, both
internal and external.Where is your attention? How doyou spend your time? Are you cultivating habitsthat are helpful to your stated goals?
Is what you say you want your life to standfor consistent with what
your life really stands for?Simply asking yourself these and other importantquestions, and answering them honestly, helps to determine whichstrategies will be most useful to you. Have youalways said to yourself, "I'd like to spend more time by myself" or"I've always wanted to learn to meditate," yet somehow you've neverfound the time? Sadly,
many people spend far more time washingtheir car or watching reruns of television shows they don't evenenjoy than they do making time for aspects of life that nurturetheir hearts. If you remember thatwhat
you practice you will become, you may beginchoosing different types of practice.
*****
71. Quiet theMind
Pascal said, "All of huma
