爱华网Just a moment ago,mydaughter Rebecca texted me for goodluck.Hertext said,"Mom,you will rock."Ilove this.Gettingthat textwaslike getting a hug.Andso there you have it.Iembodythecentral paradox.I'ma womanwholoves getting textswho'sgoing to tell youthattoo many of them can be a problem.
Actually that reminder of my daughterbringsme to the beginning of my story.1996,when I gave my first TEDTalk,Rebeccawas five years oldandshe was sitting right thereinthe front row.Ihad just written a bookthatcelebrated our life on the internetandI was about to be on the coverofWired magazine.Inthose heady days,wewere experimentingwithchat rooms and online virtualcommunities.Wewere exploring different aspects ofourselves.Andthen we unplugged.Iwas excited.And,as a psychologist, what excited memostwasthe ideathatwe would use what we learned in the virtualworldaboutourselves, about our identity,tolive better lives in the real world.
Now fast-forward to 2012.I'mback here on the TED stage again.Mydaughter's 20. She's a collegestudent.Shesleeps with her cellphone,sodo I.AndI've just written a new book,butthis time it's not onethatwill get me on the coverofWired magazine.Sowhat happened?I'mstill excited by technology,butI believe,andI'm here to make the case,thatwe're letting it take us placesthatwe don't want to go.
Over the past 15 years,I'vestudied technologies of mobilecommunicationandI've interviewed hundreds and hundreds ofpeople,youngand old,abouttheir plugged in lives.Andwhat I've foundisthat our little devices,thoselittle devices in our pockets,areso psychologically powerfulthatthey don't only change what we do,theychange who we are.Someof the things we do now with ourdevicesarethings that, only a few years ago,wewould have found oddordisturbing,butthey've quickly come to seemfamiliar,justhow we do things.
So just to take some quick examples:Peopletext or do emailduringcorporate board meetings.Theytext and shop and go on Facebookduringclasses, during presentations,actuallyduring all meetings.Peopletalk to me about the important newskillofmaking eye contactwhileyou're texting.(Laughter)Peopleexplain to methatit's hard, but that it can be done.Parentstext and do emailatbreakfast and at dinnerwhiletheir children complainaboutnot having their parents' fullattention.Butthen these same childrendenyeach other their full attention.Thisis a recent shotofmy daughter and her friendsbeingtogetherwhilenot being together.Andwe even text at funerals.Istudy this.Weremove ourselvesfromour grief or from our reveryandwe go into our phones.
Why does this matter?Itmatters to mebecauseI think we're setting ourselves up for trouble--troublecertainlyinhow we relate to each other,butalso troubleinhow we relate to ourselvesandour capacity for self-reflection.We'regetting used to a new wayofbeing alone together.Peoplewant to be with each other,butalso elsewhere --connectedto all the different places they want tobe.Peoplewant to customize their lives.Theywant to go in and out of all the places theyarebecausethe thing that matters most to themiscontrol over where they put theirattention.Soyou want to go to that board meeting,butyou only want to pay attentiontothe bits that interest you.Andsome people think that's a goodthing.Butyou can end uphidingfrom each other,evenas we're all constantly connected to each other.
A 50-year-old business manlamentedto methathe feels he doesn't have colleagues anymore atwork.Whenhe goes to work, he doesn't stop by to talk toanybody,hedoesn't call.Andhe says he doesn't want to interrupt hiscolleaguesbecause,he says, "They're too busy on theiremail."Butthen he stops himselfandhe says, "You know, I'm not telling you thetruth.I'mthe one who doesn't want to beinterrupted.Ithink I should want to,butactually I'd rather just do things on my Blackberry."
Across the generations,Isee that people can't get enough of eachother,ifand only iftheycan have each other at a distance,inamounts they can control.Icall it the Goldilocks effect:nottoo close, not too far,justright.Butwhat might feel just rightforthat middle-aged executivecanbe a problem for an adolescentwhoneeds to develop face-to-facerelationships.An18-year-old boywhouses texting for almost everythingsaysto me wistfully,"Someday,someday,butcertainly not now,I'dlike to learn how to have a conversation."
When I ask people"What'swrong with having a conversation?"Peoplesay, "I'll tell you what's wrong with having aconversation.Ittakes place in real timeandyou can't control what you're going tosay."Sothat's the bottom line.Texting,email, posting,allof these thingsletus present the self as we want to be.Weget to edit,andthat means we get to delete,andthat means we get to retouch,theface, the voice,theflesh, the body --nottoo little, not too much,justright.
Human relationshipsarerich and they're messyandthey're demanding.Andwe clean them up with technology.Andwhen we do,oneof the things that can happenisthat we sacrifice conversationformere connection.Weshort-change ourselves.Andover time,weseem to forget this,orwe seem to stop caring.
I was caught off guardwhenStephen Colbertaskedme a profound question,aprofound question.Hesaid, "Don't all those little tweets,don'tall those little sipsofonline communication,addup to one big gulpofreal conversation?"Myanswer was no,theydon't add up.Connectingin sips may workforgathering discreet bits ofinformation,theymay work for saying, "I'm thinking aboutyou,"oreven for saying, "I love you," --Imean, look at how I feltwhenI got that text from my daughter --butthey don't really workforlearning about each other,forreally coming to know and understand eachother.Andwe use conversations with each othertolearn how to have conversationswithourselves.Soa flight from conversationcanreally matterbecauseit can compromiseourcapacity for self-reflection.Forkids growing up,thatskill is the bedrock of development.
Over and over I hear,"Iwould rather text than talk."Andwhat I'm seeingisthat people get so used to beingshort-changedoutof real conversation,soused to getting by with less,thatthey've become almost willingtodispense with people altogether.Sofor example,manypeople share with me this wish,thatsome day a more advanced version ofSiri,thedigital assistant on Apple's iPhone,willbe more like a best friend,someonewho will listenwhenothers won't.Ibelieve this wishreflectsa painful truththatI've learned in the past 15 years.Thatfeeling that no one is listening tomeisvery importantinour relationships with technology.That'swhy it's so appealingtohave a Facebook pageora Twitter feed --somany automatic listeners.Andthe feeling that no one is listening to memakeus want to spend timewithmachines that seem to care about us.
We're developing robots,theycall them sociable robots,thatare specifically designed to be companions--tothe elderly,toour children,tous.Havewe so lost confidencethatwe will be there for each other?Duringmy researchIworked in nursing homes,andI brought in these sociable robotsthatwere designed to give the elderlythefeeling that they were understood.Andone day I came inanda woman who had lost a childwastalking to a robotinthe shape of a baby seal.Itseemed to be looking in her eyes.Itseemed to be following theconversation.Itcomforted her.Andmany people found this amazing.
But that woman was trying to make sense of herlifewitha machine that had no experienceofthe arc of a human life.Thatrobot put on a great show.Andwe're vulnerable.Peopleexperience pretend empathyasthough it were the real thing.Soduring that momentwhenthat womanwasexperiencing that pretend empathy,Iwas thinking, "That robot can'tempathize.Itdoesn't face death.Itdoesn't know life."
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And as that woman took comfortinher robot companion,Ididn't find it amazing;Ifound it one of the most wrenching, complicatedmomentsinmy 15 years of work.Butwhen I stepped back,Ifelt myselfatthe cold, hard centerofa perfect storm.Weexpect more from technologyandless from each other.AndI ask myself,"Whyhave things come to this?"
And I believe it's becausetechnologyappeals to us mostwherewe are most vulnerable.Andwe are vulnerable.We'relonely,butwe're afraid of intimacy.Andso from social networks to sociablerobots,we'redesigning technologiesthatwill give us the illusion ofcompanionshipwithoutthe demands of friendship.Weturn to technology to help us feelconnectedinways we can comfortably control.Butwe're not so comfortable.Weare not so much in control.
These days, those phones in ourpocketsarechanging our minds and heartsbecausethey offer usthreegratifying fantasies.One,that we can put our attentionwhereverwe want it to be;two,that we will always be heard;andthree, that we will never have to bealone.Andthat third idea,thatwe will never have to be alone,iscentral to changing our psyches.Becausethe moment that people are alone,evenfor a few seconds,theybecome anxious, they panic, theyfidget,theyreach for a device.Justthink of people at a checkout lineorat a red light.Beingalone feels like a problem that needs to be solved.Andso people try to solve it byconnecting.Buthere, connectionismore like a symptom than a cure.Itexpresses, but it doesn't solve,anunderlying problem.Butmore than a symptom,constantconnection is changingtheway people think of themselves.It'sshaping a new way of being.
The best way to describe it is,Ishare therefore I am.Weuse technology to define ourselvesbysharing our thoughts and feelingsevenas we're having them.Sobefore it was:Ihave a feeling,Iwant to make a call.Nowit's: I want to have a feeling,Ineed to send a text.Theproblem with this new regimeof"I share therefore I am"isthat, if we don't have connection,wedon't feel like ourselves.Wealmost don't feel ourselves.Sowhat do we do? We connect more andmore.Butin the process,weset ourselves up to be isolated.
How do you get from connection toisolation?Youend up isolatedifyou don't cultivate the capacity forsolitude,theability to be separate,togather yourself.Solitudeis where you find yourselfsothat you can reach out to otherpeopleandform real attachments.Whenwe don't have the capacity forsolitude,weturn to other people in order to feel lessanxiousorin order to feel alive.Whenthis happens,we'renot able to appreciate who they are.It'sas though we're using themasspare partstosupport our fragile sense of self.Weslip into thinking that always beingconnectedisgoing to make us fell less alone.Butwe're at risk,becauseactually it's the opposite that'strue.Ifwe're not able to be alone,we'regoing to be more lonely.Andif we don't teach our children to bealone,they'reonly going to knowhowto be lonely.
When I spoke at TED in 1996,reportingon my studiesofthe early virtual communities,Isaid, "Those who make the mostoftheir lives on the screencometo it in a spirit ofself-reflection."Andthat's what I'm calling for here,now:reflectionand, more than that, a conversationaboutwhere our current use of technologymaybe taking us,whatit might be costing us.We'resmitten with technology.Andwe're afraid, like young lovers,thattoo much talking might spoil theromance.Butit's time to talk.Wegrew up with digital technologyandso we see it as all grown up.Butit's not, it's early days.There'splenty of timeforus to reconsider how we use it,howwe build it.I'mnot suggestingthatwe turn away from our devices,justthat we develop a more self-awarerelationshipwiththem, with each otherandwith ourselves.
I see some first steps.Startthinking of solitudeasa good thing.Makeroom for it.Findways to demonstrate thisasa value to your children.Createsacred spaces at home --thekitchen, the dining room --andreclaim them for conversation.Dothe same thing at work.Atwork, we're so busy communicatingthatwe often don't have time to think,wedon't have time to talk,aboutthe things that really matter.Changethat.Mostimportant, we all really need to listen to eachother,includingto the boring bits.Becauseit's when we stumbleorhesitate or lose our wordsthatwe reveal ourselves to each other.
Technology is making a bidtoredefine human connection --howwe care for each other,howwe care for ourselves --butit's also giving us the opportunitytoaffirm our valuesandour direction.I'moptimistic.Wehave everything we need to start.Wehave each other.Andwe have the greatest chance ofsuccessifwe recognize our vulnerability.Thatwe listenwhentechnology saysitwill take something complicatedandpromises something simpler.
So in my work,Ihear that life is hard,relationshipsare filled with risk.Andthen there's technology --simpler,hopeful,optimistic,ever-young.It'slike calling in the cavalry.Anad campaign promisesthatonline and with avatars,youcan "Finally, love your friendsloveyour body, love your life,onlineand with avatars."We'redrawn to virtual romance,tocomputer games that seem like worlds,tothe idea that robots, robots,willsomeday be our true companions.Wespend an evening on the socialnetworkinsteadof going to the pub with friends.
But our fantasies of substitutionhavecost us.Nowwe all need to focusonthe many, many waystechnologycan lead us backtoour real lives, our own bodies,ourown communities,ourown politics,ourown planet.Theyneed us.Let'stalk abouthowwe can use digital technology,thetechnology of our dreams,tomake this lifethelife we can love.
Thank you.
