爱华网女人篇Let me preface this by saying I grew up in a well-to-do family. I had more opportunity and privilege than most, but the divorce of my parents in my first year of university ultimately drove me to completely check out of society.
就从这里开始说起吧，我在一个富裕的家庭中长大。和大多数人相比，我有更多的优越条件和机会，但是在我大一的时候，父母的离婚，最终促使我开始重新审视这个社会。
In the beginning of my crack addiction I always swore to myself and to anyone who brought up the subject that I would never sell sex for money. Unfortunately, I was very naive and uninformed about the progression of addiction and I did not yet know what desperation felt like.最初吸食快克上瘾的时候，我对自己和任何提议的人发誓，绝不会用身体来赚钱。遗憾的是，我太天真无知，毒瘾越来越大，而我还不知道绝望的滋味。
I do not remember my first trick, but I do remember many. I have had sex with as many as 12 men in a day. The busiest times were early in the morning when white men in business suits were on their way to work, or during lunch time when they could sneak off for a quickie.我不记得第一次的情形了，但是还记得许多其他的事情。我曾一天内接了12个客户。最忙的时段是在上午，西装笔挺的白人在上班路上，或是午饭时间偷偷溜出来匆匆了事。
I started out charging £90-£120 and, since I was pretty enough and still did not look cracked out, I could get that. It was always about the money to me and I was always in a hurry to get it over with. I spent no time talking or even pretending to be interested in the men. I'm sorry to say that, more often than not I had unprotected sex, and it is truly by the grace of God I never caught anything.一开始，我收费90-120英镑，那个时候我还很漂亮，看起来也不像个瘾君子，我还能拿到这个价位。这都是为了钱而我也总是匆忙了事。我从不花费时间和男人聊天或甚至假装对他们很有兴趣的样子。我很抱歉这样说，多半时候，我都没有采取任何保护措施，多谢上帝，我没有因此感染疾病。
I am now six years sober and more than the thought of drugs, I am lured to the thought of getting back in to prostitution. Something about the thought of a man paying me to have sex with them turns me on. Instead I have a boring life and a boring job and from time to time to spice things up I tell my husband stories of different clients.我现在已经戒毒6年了，和毒品比起来，重返回妓女对我更有诱惑力。想到男人掏钱和我做爱，我会感到性奋。我现在的生活，工作很无趣。为了增添情趣，我时常对丈夫讲些以前客户们的故事。
I placed a personal ad with the offer to meet a client at a hotel for a private lap-dancing session. I had been a dancer for three years, but had started to hate going to the clubs. I enjoyed the sensuality and intimacy of the job, but hated the crowds, noise and cigarette smoke. The ad stressed that the sessions would be dancing only. I asked that we meet first in a public place, for a cocktail or coffee. I phrased this as "us getting to know each other", but it was basically to give my gut a chance to tell me whether I would be safe with the person. I was polite, but firm about all of my requests. Very few of the initial responders followed up with me after this, but the ones who did sounded respectful and sane.
我登了一条广告，为客户在宾馆里提供私人的膝上艳舞服务。我做过三年舞女，但已经厌倦去俱乐部。我享受这份工作中的性感和亲密 ，但是讨厌人群，嘈杂以及烟雾缭绕。广告中特别强调只是跳舞别无其他。我要求先在公共场合见面，喝杯鸡尾酒或咖啡。我将其叙述为“双方相互了解”，但这基本上是为了试探对方是否安全。我表现的彬彬有礼，但一一确定其是否符合我的要求。最初的回应者中，经过这一关之后，很少有人能够继续，但是那些坚持下来的人们确实恭敬有礼而且不失理智。
The first client I met was a guy from out of town. He sounded very nervous in the emails we exchanged, and I wasn't sure he would actually keep the date we made that evening at a smart bar.我的第一个客户是个外地人。通过电邮交流的时候，他看起来非常紧张，我不确定他当晚是否会前往约定好的酒吧如期赴约。
The first thing he told me was that he was not going to go through with our date, but he felt bad about standing me up and would buy me a drink and tip for my time. We had a drink together and I drew him out about what he was looking for. As a dancer, I know lots of ways to set men at their ease and encourage them to open up to me.他对我说的第一件事是他打算放弃了，但是让我站了那么久，他感到很内疚要请我喝杯酒并付小费以补偿损失的时间。我们一起喝了杯酒，我追问他想要什么。作为一个舞女，我有很多让男人放松并鼓励他们对我敞开心扉的方法。
He told me a familiar story: his wife, whom he described as "gorgeous" and who he said he still loved, was no longer interested in sex. He, of course, still was. I've heard many versions of this story, and it always makes me sad. I have no judgment for either person in the relationship, but I feel for anyone who wants intimacy and closeness and isn't getting it. I've been there myself.他对我讲了一个千篇一律的故事：他的妻子，如其所述“非常漂亮”但自己仍深爱的妻子对性事已无兴趣，而他，当然还兴致不减。我已经听过这种故事的N多个版本，总是令我感到很难过。我对感情中的任一方均无评判之意，只是为那些对亲密关系想得而不可得的人们感到同情。我也曾经历过。
He told me that I was too young; I was 28 and he was 53. He talked about how much he missed touching and holding and looking at a woman. We kept talking about the human need for intimacy, and I could tell he did want the meeting.他说我太年轻了；我28，他53。他说自己有多么的怀念抚摸一个女人的肌肤，抱着她，注视着她。我们接着谈论人类的亲密需求，我可以看出他是想见面的。
We went to his room. It was a very nice room, in a nice hotel. It was much more intimate than dancing in the club, where there are lights and noise and distraction. He closed his eyes and barely looked at me, just wanted to hug me and touch my skin.我们去了他的房间。漂亮的酒店，舒适的卧室。和在充满灯光，噪音，烦闷的俱乐部跳舞比起来，这里气氛更加幽静融洽。他闭上双眼几乎没怎么看我，只想紧紧的抱住我抚摸我的肌肤。
We had a pleasant, playful time, and ended up spending several hours together. He paid me at the end and counting out the money seemed to kill the mood for both of us a little bit. I made a mental note that if I did this again I would ask for the money up front.我们共度了一段愉快的时光，最后又在一起呆了几个小时。他最后付款数钱的动作令气氛破坏了不少。我牢记若下次再有这种事情一定要先收费。
Afterwards, he offered to drive me back to the bar and I felt safe enough with him to accept. The drive was slightly awkward. He seemed to feel odd about dropping me off on the street. I wondered if he was having regrets about the session. He was rather cold when he said goodbye, and I was surprised to notice that I felt a little hurt. This was the only time during the session when I felt "dirty" about what I'd done. I felt he was judging me. I made a conscious decision not to let this bother me: I probably wouldn't see him again, and it was just a business transaction, so it didn't really matter what he thought about me. I would offer this advice to clients, though: be nice to your hooker, even after you pay her. You're not the only one who has feelings about what just happened.
然后，他提议开车送我回酒吧，我觉得和他在一起很安全，就答应了。路上，显得有点尴尬。把我送到大街上，他显得极不自然。我想他没准对宾馆里的事还会后悔。他说再见的时候更加冷酷，而我惊奇的发现自己还有几分心痛。这是唯一一次我对自己的行为感到“肮脏”。我觉得他在评判我。我不能让这件事烦到我：我大概也不会再见到他，这不过是一笔业务交易，所以不管他怎么看我，都与我无关。但是，我想建议所有的客户：对妓女好一点，即使在你付了钱之后。你们不是唯一对刚刚发生的事情有感觉的一方。
In my post-university slump, I felt like my life was in the drain. I had three crappy part-time jobs, my bank account was overdrawn, so I started browsing for "exotic dancer" want ads. In university, I had worked as a stripper for about two months and loved the dancing. The money was great for a part-time job, and it catered to my love for being the centre of attention.
大学毕业后的低潮期，我的生活好像一下子跌入了谷底。我做过三份无聊的兼职，银行账户透支，于是，我开始浏览关于“脱衣舞女”的广告。我在大学里做过两个月的脱衣舞女，也喜欢跳舞。对于兼职来说，报酬也不错，并且满足了我想要成为众人焦点的愿望。
Now that I was in a new city, the area strip clubs were more plentiful. I went to one "audition". The club was so low-brow I was shocked. The girls were snorting coke in the dressing room, and the bouncers seemed more malicious and oversexed than the customers. I did not go back.由于刚来到一座新的城市，当地的脱衣舞俱乐部也很多。我走进了一家“试镜”。我被这家俱乐部的粗俗氛围感到震惊。姑娘们在更衣室里吸可卡因，保镖们看起来比顾客还心怀不轨蠢蠢欲动。我没有再回到这里。
I remembered a roommate I had in university who signed up as an escort through an online service. I posted photos on an escort website along with my prices (a whopping £120 per hour).我记得大学时候的一个室友曾在网上注册做应召女郎。于是我在一家网站上传了照片以及价格（一笔巨大的数字120英镑/小时）。
My first escort "date" was with a guy who called himself Tim. I drove two hours to his house, white-knuckled in anticipation of what I was about to do. He was middle aged, pretty average-looking – balding, in OK shape.我的第一个应招对象是个自称蒂姆的男人。开车两个小时到他家，精神紧张的想着我接下来的工作。他是个中年人，相貌普通——秃顶，身材还好。
I don't want to seem flippant when I talk about the sex. There was nothing special about it except for the fact that it was the first time in my young life that I was literally prostituting myself. In my head, I was constantly wavering between being overly dramatic about the way I was compromising myself, and being blasé about the fact that everyone in the world sluts themselves out for money in some way – therefore, what I was doing was just fine. In retrospect, my opinion of prostitution is that it is fine if you have straightened it out in your head as to why you are doing it and what you get out of it, but you are risking your safety and your health. Can you charge a price high enough to compensate for that?我不想在谈论性的时候显得过于轻浮。除了这是我年轻时候第一次出卖肉体这个事实以外，没有什么特殊之处。记忆中，我总在这两者之间摇摆不定：一边是极其戏剧化的自我妥协，一边是对世人无不为了钱而以某种方式卖弄风骚的事实冷漠视之——因此，我所做的也没什么错。以前，我对这行的看法是如果你能理清自己从事这个工作的原因与所得的关系，就没有问题。但你是在拿自己的安全和健康冒险。你能用高收费来弥补这个损失吗？
And the sex was nothing I remember anything about. He left his television muted on CNN the whole time. My biggest concern was that I had very little experience and that it would show (I had only had sex a couple of times in my life). My next worry was that I would not be able to fill a full two hours with sexual entertainment. It was not that hard. Most people are easy enough to talk to, and once the sex is over it is just pillow talk and back rubs.我已经不记得细节了.其间，电视一直开着，被调成静音，停留在CNN。我最大的忧虑是自己经验太少会被他发现（我只有过几次性经历）。接着又担心不能凑满两个小时的性服务。其实并没那么难。大多数人还是很容易沟通的，而且一旦性爱过后，只需说些枕边话，做做背部按摩。
Aside from an almost overwhelming sense of danger the whole time, it went well.除了与之相随不可规避的危险性外，进展还算顺利。
After two months, I started scheduling dates with men and then not showing up. I was starting to get real about why I was having sex with men for money. I had been feeling rejected by a former lover, and I was angry about being in debt and was discovering that my university degree was essentially worthless. I felt like being destructive.两个月后，我开始计划和异性约会，却从没赴约。至于为什么做妓女我有了更现实和清醒的认识。被前男友拒绝，因欠债而生气，一无是处的学位。我想要破坏发泄。
My last job scared me out of it for good. He was a short bald man with a big spare tyre and smelled of cigarettes. He asked if he needed to wear a condom (about half of the men asked this). I put the condom on him, and then he spun me around and pushed me up against the dresser. The force of this manoeuvre was unexpected. He tried to get me to have anal sex, and I had to struggle to avoid it. It was starting to feel more like a violation than a situation that I was in control of. I was thrown across the bed and we had sex (but at least not anal). I was scared, but I didn't let on.最后一次工作经历着实吓坏了我，令我彻底离开了这一行。他是个矮个子秃头，腰间一圈赘肉，浑身烟味。他问我用不用戴套（半数左右的男人都会这么问）。我给他戴好，然后他将我转过身去，推靠在梳妆台上。没有料到这股蛮力。他想要肛交，我尽力挣扎不想这么做。这更像是强暴，而不再是我所能掌控的局面。他把我扔到床上做爱（但至少不是肛门）。我很害怕，但是没有对任何人说。
It was a wake-up call, though. I have always had confidence in my physical strength and my wits to keep myself safe, but just a small taste of how quickly I might get overcome if I wasn't on my guard was what made me decide to quit.然而这是个警钟。我一直对自己的体力与智慧信心满满，认为足以保证自身安全，但仅这一次在没有防备的情况下，对于制敌速度的考验就已令我决定退出。
The men男人篇
I was a 34-year-old virgin when I first visited a prostitute. I've always been shy and a bit of a computer geek, and somehow I missed out on opportunities at school and university that might have got my sex life off to a start. Once I graduated I ended up in an IT job, full of other single male geeks. It was only when I hit 30 that I started to worry about the other things missing from my life. At that point, my age and lack of experience were a major worry. I was tempted by online dating, but knew that anyone I might meet would be more sexually experienced than me, and this became a major stumbling block.我第一次找妓女的时候，还是个34岁的处男。我很腼腆，又有一点计算机控，不知不觉错过了学校里可能的性爱机会。毕业后进了家IT公司，到处是各种单身男极客。直到30岁的时候，我才开始担忧自己生活中那些缺失的部分。那时候，我的年龄和没有经验是最头疼的问题。我被网络约会所吸引，但也知道任何约会对象的性经验都会比我多，这成为了主要的绊脚石。
Websites and forums are what I do, and mostly how I interact with other people, so it didn't take me long to find forums devoted to escort work. I researched diligently, read up on the pros and cons, and the dangers, health and otherwise, of seeing escorts. The escorts posting sounded genuine, even relatively normal, and not the junkies I'd expected. I made up my mind to go for it.我是做网站和论坛的，这里是我交际圈的一部分，所以没花费多少时间，我就找到了应召女郎的论坛。我认真的研究了招妓的利弊，危害，卫生以及其他方面。这些应招女的帖子看起来都很真诚，甚至相对也很正常，不是像我想象的那些瘾君子。我决定一试。
It was still nearly a year before my first experience. I finally selected a woman in a town miles from home. I chose a more mature woman, as I felt it would be easier, somehow, to confess my inexperience to her. My performance was as you might expect from a first-timer, but she was sympathetic and understanding. She didn't clock-watch, and I enjoyed her company as much as the sexual activity. I left with a feeling of relief that I'd got it over with, that I was no longer a virgin.然而，我的第一次距今也不过一年的时间。我最终挑选了一个其他镇上的女人。她看起来更成熟，因为我觉得这样比较容易向她承认自己的毫无经验。我的表现，正如你对生手所预期的那样，但是，她很有同情心并能理解。她不会盯着表看，我享受着性爱以及她的陪伴。我感到一身轻松，我再也不是处子之身了。
After that, I found other girls local to me. I've had some fantastic experiences and none of the girls have fitted the mould of trafficked eastern Europeans or drug addicts. There was the single mum of 19, who was saving to put herself through a college course to get a professional qualification (and she did, successfully, and gave up escorting to take a less-well-paid job in her chosen field). There was the swinger, who had decided that if she was going to do it anyway, she might as well get paid for it.在此之后，我又在当地找了些女孩子。我已有了一些非常棒的性经验，没有一个女孩携有东欧倒卖人口身上的霉菌，也没有一个瘾君子。有一个19岁的单身妈妈，为顺利完成大学学业赚学费，以获得职业资格认证（她成功通过了，放弃做应招女郎，选择了她所学领域的一份收入不太高的工作）。也有人想法前卫，认为既然无论如何都会有性行为，那么不妨拿些报酬。
Overall, more of the experiences have been good than bad. Most of the girls have been intelligent and good company and I put that down to the amount of effort I put in to selection. I'm generally very careful about who I choose; the less successful experiences have always come when I rushed a decision.总体来说，我的性经验越来越好，大多数女孩都很聪明，是不错的伴侣，我将其归因于自己精心挑选的缘故。我一般会小心选择；若对象选错了，往往会带来不太成功的经历。
My plan was for a short-term fix, a start towards a normal life and a way of catching up with experiences I should have had 10 years ago. It's worked so well, that it's becoming a lifestyle choice. I think I prefer it this way.这是我的一个短期计划，逐渐走向正常生活的开端，填补十年来性生活空白的方式。进展的很顺利，这也正在成为一种新的生活方式选择。我想我更喜欢这样。
I met my wife as a first year in college, and we were married sometime later. I've had one relationship in my life, and while it's not boring or empty of sex, I was tempted by the ads in the back of the weekly arts paper in my town. My first appointment was nerve-racking. Since, I've had sessions with roughly 25 different providers and had intercourse with about half. I have found few girls who "are into the work". Most aren't, and you can usually tell when you say hello. Each time, when presented with a girl who would rather be watching TV than having sex with me, I could have walked away, making an excuse. But, I never have. Why?
大一那年，我遇到了她，不久之后，我们就结婚了。一生之中，我只有过这一段感情，而且也没有觉得单调，性生活也如常。我被镇上艺术周报背面的广告所吸引。我的第一次约会很伤脑筋。我见了差不多25个人，和一半的人有过交谈。我发现没有人“真正投入这份工作”。大多数人，在你和她打招呼的时候就能看出来了。每次，遇到宁愿看电视也不愿意和我做爱的女孩，我都应该找个借口，转身离开。但是。我从没这样做过。为什么？
It could be the self-destructive nature of the visit. Giving more than £60, £75, £150 of my hard-earned salary for disinterested sex is the pinnacle of self-hate. The 60 to 90 seconds of orgasm is the only part that feels good. The rest – withdrawing the money from a cashpoint, handing it to someone else, pumping a drug-addicted, Marlboro-reeking twentysomething who couldn't be less interested in me, the walk of shame, the residual condom smell, the distraction of regret, the three or four days of beating up on myself, sneaking in the shower so my wife doesn't smell the rubber, smoke, hairspray, or cheesy perfume – is hell.可能是自我破坏性在作怪吧。每次把辛苦赚来的钱，不止60,75,150英镑的去换取毫无兴致的性爱，这算是达到自憎的顶点了。60到90秒的高潮是唯一感觉良好的部分。剩下的呢——取款机里抽出来的钱，交给陌生人，在散发着万宝路烟草味，对我毫无兴趣的二十来岁瘾君子的体内抽动，羞愧的脚步，残余的安全套气味，懊悔而发狂，三四天痛打自己，偷偷淋浴，以防妻子闻到橡胶，烟草，发胶，劣质香水的味道——这一切如入地狱。
But, I keep doing it. Sometimes I go once a week. Sometimes once a month. Other times it's longer. But, I always relapse... and that's what it feels like: a relapse.但是，我仍在这样做。有时每周一次，有时每月一次。有些时候相隔更久。但是，我总会反复…这种感觉就像是：旧疾复发。
I've had sex with a professional four times – all of the times were with the same girl. I worked hard in school to get into a top university. There I met a girl and fell madly in love with her – she was two years ahead of me. I worked like a demon so I could set up a life with her. Within a week of graduating and leaving all my friends behind, I found out she had been cheating on me with her boss.
四次招妓，都是和同一女子。我刻苦学习，进入了一所顶尖名校。在那里，我遇见了一个女孩，深深的爱上了她——她比我大两岁。我拼命工作，希望能和她共度此生。毕业前一周，我离开所有朋友，发现了她背着我，和老板劈腿。
She told me her boss was better in bed than I was – I never got over that, I think. In the eight years since graduation I've met a number of attractive, intelligent women who seem to have liked me. The university pedigree and large salaries helped, I'm sure. But I figured I'd disappoint in bed so I never pursued them. Over the years I got very used to being alone – thought I had made my peace with it.她对我说，老板的床上功夫比我好——我觉得自己一直都没有摆脱这个阴影。毕业后的八年中，我遇到了许多聪明，有魅力，对我似有好感的女子。我确信名校出身，丰厚的薪水，帮了不少的忙。但是我怕自己会在床上令人失望，所以从未追求过她们。多年来，我已习惯单身一人——以为我已安然于此。
But last year some friends dragged me to a strip club for the first time. It was fun at first – beautiful, friendly women who paid so much attention to me. It did wonders for my confidence.但去年我第一次被朋友们带到了脱衣舞俱乐部。一开始很好玩——漂亮，亲切的女性注视着自己。确实令我自信大增。
And then I met this girl. She's 24, blond and exquisite – so beautiful it hurts me to look at her sometimes. She discusses philosophy, science, music, literature with effortless ease. Every time I talk to her she surprises me with her insight.然后，我遇到了这个女孩。她，24岁，金发，玲珑有致——如此美丽，以至于有时侯连看着她都会觉得心痛。她谈论起哲学，科学，音乐，文学毫不费力。每次和她交谈，我都会为其深刻的见解而感到惊奇。
I spend £3,000 a night to see her – I used to have a great job. I quit recently and started my own company, which is also doing well – but the cash adds up. Every time I see her I think it'll be the last time but nothing I do gets her out of my head. She thinks I'm a nice guy but I'm just a client to her – to me, she's everything I've ever wanted or could want in another person.我花费3000英镑一晚和她见面——我原来有份不错的工作。最近辞掉了开始运营自己的公司，同样运转良好——但是现金支出增多了。每一次见面，我都把它当成是我们的最后一次约会但从没在脑海里忘记过她。她觉得我是个不错的男人，但我对她来说不过是个客户——对于我呢，她是我所想要拥有的全部或者我所寻找的“她”的样子。
My friends and family keep trying to set me up – women hand me their numbers at bars – but they fail so miserably in comparison with her.朋友家人不断尝试让我安顿下来——酒吧里，女人们把电话号码塞到我手里——但是和她比起来，她们输的如此凄惨。
I guess it will never work out, but I can't think of anyone else I would rather be with.猜想我们永远不会有结果，但是我想不出还有什么人会让我如此想与之共度。
