爱华网作者：Dennis Merritt Jones
译者：蜜蜜茉莉
"The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping." -- Claudius Claudianus一个事事通过寻求外界认可的人把他的幸福押在了别人身上。-- Claudius Claudianus
Once, in a relationship class I was presenting, I gave a homework assignment to each participant which required them to commit to living one full week with a willingness to communicate exactly what they were thinking and feeling to those with whom they had any contact. This included family, friends and even strangers. What I discovered was that many people are greatly challenged in their ability to be honest and transparent when it comes to saying what they really think to others. They are conflicted between what they really think, and their desire (need) to not risk the disapproval of others.
在一次关系学公开课上，我给每个参与者布置了一项课下任务，要求在接下来的一整个礼拜中，不论是和身边的什么关系的人交往，每个人都必须真实地表露自己的想法和感受，不可有任何隐瞒，包括和家人、朋友、甚至是陌生人。在信息反馈时我发现，很多人做这件事时并不是非常顺利，能够诚实和坦率地对他人说出自己心中所想就变得尤其困难。他们陷入了既想真实地表达自己但又不愿遭受他人憎恶的矛盾境地中。
One young woman who came back the next week and shared how she was really able to identify her need for approval and acceptance from others when she denied a request from a friend. She reported that while, at first, it was uncomfortable it was also the most liberating experience she had ever known. She realized that she had allowed herself to be held hostage in every relationship she ever had been in because she was addicted to the approval of others. Buddha taught that attachment is at the root of all suffering. I wonder how many of us allow ourselves to suffer, being held in emotional bondage (or better said, emotional blackmail) by others, not because of their demands, but because of our own attachment to being loved and fear of rejection or disapproval. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "The only sin that we never forgive in each other is a difference in opinion." William Penn said it even more succinctly: "There can be no friendship where there is no freedom. Friendship loves free air, and will not be fenced up in straight and narrow enclosures."
一周后，一位年轻的姑娘回来，向我讲述了当拒绝一个朋友的请求后，她才真正清楚地了解到自己对被他人认可和接受的需要程度。在起初的时候，也许还是会有些不舒服，但也明白这是她所经历的最能释放自我的事情之一。她体会到，由于一直深深依赖着别人的认可，于是任由真实的自我成为每一段人际交往关系中的抵押品和牺牲品，以换来宁静和谐的人际关系。佛曰：情感是世间一切痛苦的根源，我想知道我们中有多少人会任由自己遭受痛苦，成为他人情感的奴隶（或说的好听点，被情感所勒索），不是因为别人的需求本身，而是因为我们自己对被爱需求的依赖以及对被拒绝和厌恶的恐惧。对此爱默生曾经写道：“我们永远无法互相原谅的惟一过错，就是意见有所分歧”；威廉.潘甚至有着更为精准扼要的表达：“没有自由就没有友谊。友谊需要自由，不只是限定在逼仄的围墙中”。
Are you free to have a difference of opinion with others and express it without fear? Can you say no without fear? And, at the same time, do you offer others the same freedom to say no to you without sending them on a guilt trip? If the very thought of that type of encounter makes your pulse race, perhaps it's time to explore your ability to get to "no" others better.
当和别人意见相左时，你敢无所畏惧地表达出来吗？能勇敢说“不”吗？与此同时，换位思考，你曾经给过他人表达自己不同看法，同时又确保不会遭受来自你脸色的等同自由吗？如果那份遭遇带来的独特思考让你的脉搏加速，也许现在是你去挖掘自己对他人勇敢说“不”能力的时候了。
Where do you start? Work at becoming comfortable in knowing that beyond your egoic self (which thrives on approval from others) there lies within you the presence of an infinite power acting as your "soul" authority. While spirit always operates from unconditional love it never seeks approval from others. Often times, saying "no" can be the most loving thing you can do for others and yourself. When you conduct your life from such a point of self-awareness you will know that if you are led to say no to someone there will be no need to apologize, sell or justify your position. Explain to them that you are not rejecting them, only their request. Know who you are and be free.
那么该如何去做呢？当了解到除了热切的自我肯定（往往从别人的赞赏里获得）外，一份充当着你的灵魂权威的无限力量还存在在你内心深处。虽然精神力量总是在无条件的爱里才起作用，但它也从不寻求别人的赞赏。经常性地试着对他人说“不”，这可能会成为你为他人也是为自己所做的最棒的事情。从自我意识这一点出发，你开始学着引导自己的生活，会发现倘若是跟从真实的内心说出口的“不”，根本不需要道歉或是去辩解什么。告诉他们，你拒绝的并不是他们，而是他们的请求。了解真正的自己，获得自由。
In all your encounters with others, remember that it's not so much what you say but how you say it. When someone makes a request of you that does not find an authentic "yes" in your heart, simply breathe deeply and invite a conscious awareness of spirit's presence to be felt within you. Let your words be filtered through that presence and you will discover the power and grace to say "no" in a way that is kind, loving and unquestionably clear. Let nothing be incomplete in your communications today and notice how free you feel.
不论与何人邂逅，要记得重要的不是你说的什么，而是你如何去说。当有人向你发出请求，而你却无论如何都无法心悦诚服地接受，那么只需要简单地深呼吸，找到内心深处清醒准确的感受，让你的话语经受它们的过滤，你会找到开口说“不”的优雅力量，让你的拒绝变得善意，友爱并且坚定无疑。让不够完美的表达见鬼去吧，你只会觉得这一刻的你，无比自由。
