爱华网Ever want to change something about your partner? Get him or her to eat better or work less? Exercise more? Stop nagging or yelling? Start with a mirror.
是否想过要让伴侣做出一点改变？让他或她吃好饭、少加班、多运动？不要唠叨或者咆哮？你不妨先从自身做起。
Your best chance of transforming someone else -- and the dynamic in your relationship -- is to demonstrate your willingness to alter your own actions, experts say.
专家表示，改变他人以及改善关系的最好方法，就是展现出改变自己的意愿。
The good news, this kind of change isn't as hard as you think. Studies show that when a person is motivated to be in a relationship and wants it to work, he or she will readily change to be more like their partner. Often, they don't even know they are adjusting their own behavior.
好消息是，这种改变并不像你想象得那么难。研究表明当一个人主动投入并维持一段关系时，他或她会轻而易举地让自己变得与伴侣更相似。通常，他们甚至无法察觉自己正在改变自己的行为。
When Steve Miksis started dating Lori Bowden four years ago, he told her he was an introvert. He warned her that he hated parties and groups -- his online dating profile said, 'I don't dance' -- and liked mountain climbing and playing his guitar at home instead.
四年前，当史蒂夫·米克西斯(Steve Miksis)开始与洛丽·鲍登(Lori Bowden)约会时，他对她说自己性格很内向。他还提醒她自己讨厌聚会、讨厌扎堆，他的在线约会网站的介绍写道：“我不跳舞”，而他的兴趣则是爬山以及在家弹吉他。
This worked fine for the couple -- at first. They had a lot in common. Both were divorced after long marriages, both liked thoughtful conversations and both shared a smart-aleck sense of humor. They spent time together hiking, talking and going out to dinner.
最初这对情侣相处得不错。他们有诸多相似之处。两人都经历了一段相当长的婚姻然后离婚，都喜欢有思想性的对话，还都自认为有幽默感。他们一起爬山、聊天、在外用餐。
Eventually, though, Ms. Bowden began to tire of going to group events without Mr. Miksis. She invited him to a friend's Halloween party, and he refused to attend. Ditto an art opening and a wedding. She began to feel she was settling for a relationship where she had to go places alone. They began to bicker.
但是久而久之，鲍登开始厌倦没有米克西斯而一个人参加集体活动。她请他一起去朋友的万圣节聚会，但他拒绝参加。艺术展开幕式和婚礼也是一样。于是，对于这段不得不独来独往的关系，她感到十分将就。争吵就这样开始了。
One evening after an argument, Mr. Miksis decided the relationship wasn't working for him, either. Something had to change -- and it had to be him.
一天晚上在争吵过后，米克西斯觉得他也不适应这段关系。必须有所改变，而这个人必须是他自己。
'I thought, 'I have to make a choice. If I go my old route, there may be no coming back, '' recalls Mr. Miksis, who is 61 and lives in Santa Rosa, Calif. And so he agreed to go to the costume party -- and even wore a costume.
61岁的米克西斯住在加利福尼亚州 罗莎(Santa Rosa)，他回忆道：“我在想，‘我要做出选择。如果我走上老路，或许将一去不回’。”于是他同意出席那个化装晚会，甚至还装扮了一番。
Researchers have been looking at how much our mates can influence us even without trying. In a 2009 study, researchers at Villanova University in Pennsylvania asked subjects to come to the lab with their romantic partner and to rate themselves on positive attributes such as creativity, athleticism, intelligence, humor and musicality. The partner then leaves the room, and a stranger of the opposite sex (whom the researchers call 'the confederate') arrives and chats with the participant.
研究者一直在探究伴侣对我们到底有多少潜移默化的影响。在2009年的一项研究中，宾夕法尼亚州维拉诺瓦大学(Villanova University)请参与者携爱侣一起到实验室，对自己的优秀特质进行打分，例如创造力、运动机能、智力、幽默感和乐感。之后伴侣离开房间，陌生异性（研究者称之为实验助手）进入房间并与参与者聊天。
Knowing which traits the participant has rated lowest, the confederate, as instructed, tells the participant that one of these traits is very important to him or her (for example, 'I'm really musical').
在了解了参与者打分最低的几项之后，实验助手按照指示告诉参与者这其中的一项对他/她来说十分重要（例如“我很爱音乐”）。
Next, the partner returns and, also as instructed, 'reveals' to the participant that he or she values another low-ranking trait. Participants then rate themselves on all the attributes a second time.
接着，伴侣返回，同样按照指示，告诉参与者他/她很看重另一个低分项。参与者再第二次对自己的各项特质进行打分。
Strikingly, participants typically raised their rankings of traits valued by the partner -- demonstrating they were, perhaps subconsciously, motivated to adapt to suit the mate and improve the relationship.
明显地，参与者特意提高了对伴侣所重视特质的排序，这显示出他们可能下意识地愿意主动迎合伴侣并促进关系。
Men were no more or less likely to adopt a partner's attributes than women. But certain types of people were more likely to change to be like a partner -- those with an 'anxious' attachment style, who have an extreme desire for closeness.
在迎合伴侣这一点上，男性的表现与女性并无显著差异。但是特定类型的人更愿意让自己往伴侣的方向靠拢，也就是那些有迫切依赖、对亲密关系极度渴望的人。
'This exacerbates their willingness to engage in this change, ' says Erica Slotter, the lead researcher and an assistant professor of psychology at Villanova.
首席研究员、维拉诺瓦大学心理学助理教授埃丽卡·斯洛特(Erica Slotter)说：“这使得他们做出改变的意愿更加强烈。”
Therapists say the most effective change you can make is to the way you react to things that bother you about your partner. We all have 'triggers' that prompt us to have outsize negative reactions.
咨询师们说，如果想做出改变，最有效的是换种方式处理对伴侣的不满。我们总会对一些事情反应过度。
The emotional response usually has very little to do with the trigger itself. 'This is where the stupidity comes in, ' says Jessica Gelson, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. 'He left his sock on the floor, therefore he doesn't care about me. I don't matter.' It's important to understand what triggers you and why, and to change your response.
情感上的反应通常与事情本身没有太大关系。“这就是情感的愚蠢之处”，洛杉矶的婚姻与家庭咨询师杰西卡·格尔森(Jessica Gelson)说。“他把袜子扔在地板上了，所以他不关心我。我对他来说无关紧要。”搞清楚什么刺激了你、原因是什么非常重要，改变处理的方式同样重要。
When one person starts to make changes, even positive changes, the other may feel frightened or resentful. 'People are much more comfortable with what they know, even if it is bad, ' she says.
当一个人开始做出改变，即便是积极的改变，另一半也会感到害怕和不满。“人们还是更愿意接受熟悉的东西，即使是不好的”，她说。
Mr. Miksis says he decided to become more social after realizing that by refusing to accompany Ms. Bowden to parties, he was repeating a pattern that had caused problems in past relationships, including his first marriage.
米克西斯说，他决定做出改变是因为意识到了自己拒绝陪同鲍登出席聚会是在重复之前几段感情中、包括第一次婚姻中的错误。
'My perspective used to be very selfish -- I did what I wanted to do, ' says Mr. Miksis, a certified public accountant. 'Now, I realized that I enjoyed this woman's company so much that maybe I needed to step out a little bit. Even if I am a little uncomfortable, at least we are doing it together.'
“我过去的想法非常自私，只做自己想做的”，身为执业会计师的米克西斯说。“现在我发现自己如此享受这个女人的陪伴，觉得自己应该做出一点努力。尽管我有些不适应，但至少我们在一起。”
But a funny thing happened: As Mr. Miksis started socializing more, Ms. Bowden became willing to take up activities that were important to him, rock and ice climbing -- despite having had nightmares about them.
有趣的是，在米克西斯开始更多参与社交的同时，鲍登也更愿意参加另一半喜爱的活动，比如攀岩和攀冰——尽管她对这些活动充满恐惧。
'The fact that he would consider me and think about me unselfishly like he did made me want to do the same for him, ' says Ms. Bowden, 57, an artist and computer programmer.
鲍登说：“他无私地为我着想，这也让我想要为他做同样的事。”她今年57岁，是一名艺术家以及电脑程序员。
A year and a half ago, the couple married. During the wedding planning, Mr. Miksis informed his bride that he wanted to dance with her after the ceremony. Her response: 'Who are you?'
一年半以前，他们结婚了。在筹划婚礼期间，米克西斯告诉新娘他想在仪式结束后和她跳舞。她回应道：“你是谁啊？”
At their most-recent New Year's Eve party, Mr. Miksis cooked his special shrimp dish but stayed at the party for just an hour. But be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, when the couple is entertaining, guests don't leave and Mr. Miksis is happy to stay up chatting. That is when Ms. Bowden politely excuses herself and goes to bed.
在最近一次在纽约的新年聚会上，米克西斯做了他最拿手的大虾，但只在聚会上待了一个小时。这似乎与你的期望相反。事实上，当夫妇俩都很享受聚会的时候，客人不走米克西斯就会一直陪他们聊天。这一次则是鲍登找了个借口上床睡觉去了。
